I’ve written and erased what I have been writing more times than I can count. I’ve been writing this post for hours now, trying to make sense of everything that happened these past few weeks leading up to this prenatal appointment. But I will start with the beginning…

The Beginning

This pregnancy was quite unexpected and a bit of a surprise to us, but still welcomed and excited! Better now or never since at this rate I wasn’t sure when I wanted to have another baby.

I didn’t want to get my hopes up and start baby shopping early because our first baby ended in miscarriage at almost 7 weeks. But, we then went on to have our rainbow baby, who is a now thriving and sassy 3-year-old.

But, once you have a miscarriage, that fear never leaves you when you have another pregnancy. The fear that something could happen again. This hope that you’ve been building up and all the dreams you planned for this baby can crumble in a matter of seconds.

So, now I reign those hopes and dreams way down in the pits of my heart JUST in case…

Our First Appointment

My husband and I decided to wait until my first appointment at 11 weeks before we told the majority of our family and friends that we were pregnant again.

Doctors typically say that about 12 weeks baby will have passed the riskiest stage of development. So, when we went to our 11 week appointment our baby had a strong heartbeat of 180 bpm and things seemed fine.

I had changed doctors so I had to wait until my 15th week of pregnancy before I met my new doctor, which was fine with me, because my last appointment was 11 weeks and baby great.

15 Weeks

Well, the day before my 15 week appointment I started cramping a lot, these were NOT round ligament pains, or my uterus stretching.–This was very familiar period cramps and the same cramps I felt when I miscarried my first baby.

I knew my body, and period-like cramps should not be happening this late in the game (15 weeks). Accompanied with cramps that day, I also lost my mucus plug.

My worried husband suggested we go to the ER, but I refused to go to the ER because I am not going to sit in a waiting room for 6 hours like I did for my first miscarriage just so they could tell me what I already knew.

IF I was having a miscarriage, then there was nothing that they could do anyway. So I opted to wait for my appointment the next day.

Meeting Dr. Awesome.

I had switched doctors because I wasn’t fond of the first doctor I had seen at my 11 week appointment. I searched on a Facebook mom’s group and found a highly-sought– after OB at a civilian hospital.

He was every bit as compassionate and thorough as all the reviews and recommendations said.

((TRIGGER WARNING: Almost two years later and I VBAC-ed my rainbow baby and Dr. Awesome delivered him!!)).

I told the nurse and the doctor about my concerns (cramping/bleeding/ mucus plug), so the doctor got the ultrasound up on the screen. And there was our baby, perfectly formed. I looked at the screen waiting for our baby to move.

…Still waiting.

Baby was in a curled-up position, but why?

Maybe our baby was sleeping?

…Still no heartbeat… maybe the doctor forgot to turn up the volume?

———-The room was completely silent.——

Stop the World.

I stopped looking because I knew in my heart.

I knew my baby was gone, but I was just waiting for the confirmation from my doctor...

I was looking so hard at the sonogram that I completely forgot about the doctor.

I checked the doctors face. He was squinting at the screen, while poking and prodding me in different directions.

He was pushing the ultrasound handle so hard against my belly as if he was reaching deep down to find any signs of life.

I knew this wasn’t normal.

::Silence::

I was now that woman who I read in so many blog articles.

The woman who laid on a bed, in a cold and a silent room, waiting,praying, and begging God to hear her baby’s heartbeat.

I began scanning the doctors face trying to make out what was happening.

I was scanning his face for any ray of hope.

.

.

“I’m sorry”, He whispered.
.

.
I’m sure he said more than that, but “Im sorry” is all I can remember.
.
.
.
“When did the baby stop growing?” I asked. “Baby measured 12.6 weeks”, he said.

I hurried to ask him more questions, otherwise I was going turn into a complete wreck… and quick.

Keep talking and talk fast so you don’t completely fall apart, I kept saying in my head.

I glanced back at my husband who seemed to be trying to hold it all together as well. I looked at my 3-year-old daughter who had no idea she was going to have a brother or sister, we were planning to tell her after this appointment.

I felt a wave of incredible sadness for the sibling she will never meet.

…After a blur of questions, the doctor said he was going to leave the room to give us time to “process everything”.

But, I didn’t want the doctor to leave the room, I was doing a good job of talking and keeping myself together.
If he left the room, my husband was going to get up and give me a long embrace, and ohhh,  that embrace would bring me so much comfort in the midst of the pain and sorrow, then we would probably sob together.

I wasn’t ready to fall apart, not yet…

I wanted to fall apart and scream and cry in the comfort of my own home. Not in a doctor’s office, knowing I would still have to walk past a bunch of pregnant and happy moms-to-be in the office lobby, and then walk a long way through the parking garage, with my red and puffy-tear-stained face.

Oh, I wasn’t ready to fall apart. Not here.

But, it happened anyway as soon as the doctor gave us time to “process” what had happened. And my poor innocent daughter who knew nothing of what was going on kept repeating, “Its ok, mommy, don’t cry, don’t be sad”.

As much as I desire to labor this baby out, and hold him/or her, we have decided to go for a D&C in order to obtain a more concise pathology report on how our baby died. Was it a chromosomal abnormality was it something I could have prevented?

My desire to find out what happened to our baby trumps my want to labor my baby.

Although our current circumstances feel terrible, I know that God’s goodness still prevails, even in the midst of our storm and one day we will get to meet our angel babies, until then.

UPDATE: We did receive the results of our baby’s pathology report. You can read the genetic testing results here.

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