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Grieving your miscarriage

Hey sister, I am so sorry you are up on Pinterest or google reading about grieving your first trimester pregnancy loss.

I know that you are hurting in this season in loss, confused, and just a bundle of lots of different emotions.

I think of it like spaghetti noodles, it’s as if every emotion is connected to another emotion. Everything is intertwined.

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MY FIRST TRIMESTER LOSS.

I haven’t actually posted a story about my 6 week loss anywhere.

This is the first time.

My first loss was something that was so private and intimate. We never publicly announced, which made it even harder on me, and I didn’t want to share it for a long time.

I had my first loss at 6 ish weeks pregnant. It was our very first pregnancy.

 I talked with my closest friends who were due around the same time. I heard about all their early symptoms. 

So, here I was waiting for all the symptoms that my friends were experiencing: the nausea, fatigue, sensitive sense of smell, cramping, etc.

But I didn’t have any of them! 

In the back of my mind I knew every

woman has different symptoms. and some women don’t have any hard- and- fast symptoms. I just chalked it up to being, ‘lucky’.

I was so wrong about being ‘lucky.’

When I inched into my 6th week of pregnancy I told my husband. I just felt in my gut, something was wrong.

At the time, I didn’t know what (besides lack of symptoms), but something was wrong.

I was heartbroken.

I delivered the teeniest, tiniest, body In my home.

Seeing the body made is so much more real. 

BUT, yet, I had people telling me that, “at least it happened early”. ( Has anybody ever said that to you?)

As if, my miscarriage happening earlier makes it somehow better. Or that I should look at my loss on the, ‘bright side’.

And, let me just say, that any phrase that starts off saying, “At least ….” is never going to be uplifting”.

This season of life hurts.

I want you to know that you have permission to grieve your loss.

A loss at any stage of pregnancy hurts.

RELATED POSTS:

• 20 Ways to honor your baby after a miscarriage.
• The different types of miscarriages.
• Your first period after a miscarriage.

#1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE:

I know that you may feel alone in this situation, but you have so many other sisters in loss going through exactly what you are going through.

Unfortunately, it’s a very common thing you can hear amongst pregnancy loss circles.

It’s a sad truth that pregnancy loss is so common, but it’s hardly talked about openly. And for what? So we can shield people from our pain or awkwardness in the conversation?

That isn’t right. You SHOULD be able to talk about your loss (if you want too) without worrying about if someone is uncomfortable with the topic.

when I went through my first miscarriage. I felt sooo alone (do you feel like that?). We hadn’t really told anyone other than my parents and my very few closest friends that we were expecting.

And then when I had my second miscarriage I felt even more alone.

What you can do:

If you want to feel less alone in this journey, you will have to put yourself out there and in a position to talk or meet with people.

Whether that  is finding a support group on Facebook to talk with other women going through the same pregnancy loss journey or even finding a therapist who can help you with these more specific issues that you maybe wrestling with.

With my second miscarriage, I put myself out there and let all of Facebook world know about our loss, you can read it in detail here. 

And little did I know, It was that post that was going to change the course of my miscarriage journey. 

I found freedom in telling people about my pregnancy loss. 

Friends and family were genuinely caring so I continued to write about it on my blog and now I have been able to help THOUSANDS of other women suffering in the dark about their losses. 

If and when you are ready, STEP OUT if your comfort zone, find your people, and tell your story.

#2. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

You may be having a thousand different emotions at the moment, confusion, anger, sadness, heartbroken, lonely. 

You could be thinking how upsetting it is too see a pregnant women on the street, when that should’ve been you. 

That is valid and NORMAL feeling. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong for that. 

YOUR MOURNING IS VALID

Piggybacking off of the above topic, “your feelings are valid”. The grief you are feeling can turn into a deep mourning.

You may feel as though you are not allowed to mourn because you were so “early” in your loss.

But, it doesn’t matter how early your miscarriage was, the pain exist, therefore let it out and mourn.

The moment you took that test and found out it was a positive was the moment your heart changed.

It’s the moment in your heart you became a mom.

It’s when all your hopes and dreams started, and then… to have it taken away from you as quickly as it started.

That is a cause for your grief and mourning. 

Ignore those who ask, “why you’re still upset, or that you were too early in your pregnancy to be mourning”.

You mourn as long as you need too.

#3. THE GUILT.

Do ever feel guilty over your miscarriage?

I know I struggled with guilt and shame when I had my miscarriage. As if I had done something to cause my pregnancy loss.

But, Sister, you are not on trial. There is no one judging you for what happened, because guess what?

It wasn’t your fault.

And if someone is, then you need to avoid them like the plague!

If you were not able to get genetic testing or you were too early to find out why your pregnancy loss happened I can understand those feelings of guilt, the questioning “ If I did something that could have contributed to my pregnancy loss.?”

BUT,1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

This is usually because of a chromosomal abnormality with the fetus not compatible with life. About 50 percent of miscarriages are associated with extra or missing chromosomes.

People don’t know how to act.

One thing to really understand during your grieving and mourning period is that people will say some really jacked up stuff.

Usually, it’s unintentional.

I believe most people want to help you feel better. 

But they don’t know how or even what to say.

What you can do:

One thing to remember in your first trimester loss is that, people just don’t know how to act. Therefore, they might say some dumb stuff.

You can be straight up honest with them and tell them their comment was insensitive and you didn’t appreciate it. You can ignore them all together…Orrrr you come up with witty comebacks. Or just them to bug off.

#4. THE STAGES OF GRIEF

Did you know there are 5 stages of grief? This model was created by Elisabeth Kubler Ross in 1969.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

It’s important to remember that these stages are guidelines. You could be experiencing one of these stages or you may not experience any. There is no set time for grief and it can go in any order.

Be patient with yourself and your healing heart, mama.

#5. YOUR HEART CAN HEAL.

Whew, are you still reading?

Yes, I went there.

I said it.

Your heart CAN heal.

I know that right now you can’t even fathom that thought. But I believe your heart can finding healing again.

What you can do:

The best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself grace. Your heart and soul will not heal overnight. But, it can begin to mend little by little.

Find other women to support you, block out the negativity in your life, and be patient, mama.

Healing doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about your baby. You will always remember, and always love.

To me, healing means that my heart can find happiness and joy in life while also honoring and remembering the life I created.

Hugs and love to you💛 💛 💛

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