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After, I had my second miscarriage I started thoughtfully pulling together a list of things I wish I would’ve known, these are the things I would tell my best friend if she were to have a miscarriage.
1. Avoid negative people! The last thing you need to deal with is negative people in this fragile season you are in. They will suck up all the energy around you, Focus on you.
2. TURN OFF all your baby apps!
If you’re like me I bet as soon as you found out you were pregnant you downloaded the pregnancy app so you could learn about all the neat stuff going on in your body. -Me too. I love that stuff during pregnancy, not so much after a miscarriage.
I know some women who will choose to keep the app running. BUT, for me it’s torture and if it is too much for you, delete the app altogether or turn it off.
3. UNSUBSCRIBE from email newsletters stating the progress, growth, and changes between you and your baby. You will start getting weekly newsletters about your baby’s growth rate, the new developments happening, Don’t forget to check your email and unsubscribe from pregnancy/’baby update’ newsletters.
4. If you are very artistic you could write a poem to your baby.
5. Write a letter to your baby. How you felt when you found out you were pregnant. The hopes and dreams you had, the hopes and dreams that you still carry when you meet with your baby in the everlasting.
6. Cancel baby registries, if you started a baby registry you may also want to cancel that before the store starts sending you “Congratulations, your baby has arrived!” formula coupons and samples in the mail. Seriously, it’s pretty awful.
7. Talk to someone- it could be a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist. Find someone you can express your emotions unabridged to.
8. Support- find a miscarriage support group you can join. Facebook has a ton of them. I find that I can go there and feel understood and validated by other loss mamas. Here is my “Pregnancy Loss Sister” Facebook group, I’d love to meet you there!
9. Write a song.
10. Name your baby, even if you didn’t know the sex of your baby.
11. Name a star after your baby
12. Plant a tree in memory.
13. Plant a flower garden or any other type of garden in memory of your baby.
14. Keep a journal.
15. Light a lantern on their due date.
17. Start a daily devotional about pregnancy loss.
18. Mourn.
19. Take all the time you need to grieve. Remember this may look different from person to person. There are 7 stages of grief and you could technically be at any stage when you find out about your loss.
20. Honor your baby- although your child’s life was short-lived, your baby was important and fiercely loved. Honor your child, honor the life you created. plant a tree, plant some flowers, create a piece of art, live your life full of hope, live your life without fear of the future,
But, above all else I hope you find peace even in your roughest storm.
What are some things you have done after your loss? What are some ways you have or plan to honor your baby’s life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
I have a special locket that has an angel wings charm for my baby I miscarried. I also have a charm bracelet and added a charm in memory of him or her. I’m so sorry for your loss! It’s a heart-breaking experience and the pain never really goes away.
I’m currently doing a scrapbook for him/her to always remember and to sit and read when I’m feeling low, I had a missed miscarriage and your right it never goes away.
I’m sorry this reply is so late, but I hope you are finding your healing. A scrap book is such a beautiful idea!
Me and my husband planted a lilac tree when we lost our first and we named the tree. I also barried a letter and my positive tests. Im having my third miscarriage and im completely lost.
Gina, thank you for sharing the memory of your babies. I love your ideas. I am so sorry to hear about your third miscarriage. Sending you lots of hugsx
This is a great list of things to do after a miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I really appreciate the ideas of unsubscribing from pregnancy newsletters and week-by-week updates. Those are things I didn’t have to deal with because I hadn’t started any of that before I had my miscarriage. However, I know without a doubt it would have been excruciating to receive those emails and coupons after miscarrying.
Grieving miscarriage is such a complex thing. It’s hard to figure out how to “move on” while continuing to honor your baby’s life. I wrote a post about how to process miscarriage grief and preserve baby’s memory with input from moons who’ve been there. You can read it here: https://mamarissa.com/how-to-process-miscarriage-grief-and-preserve-babys-memory-from-mamas-whove-been-there/
One of the most healing things for me was and is talking through the loss. I’m so glad more women are sharing their stories, and I thank you for sharing yours.
Thanks, Marissa! And thank you for sharing, I will check it out!
Yes, I agree, talking about loss has definitely been a healing experience for me too. I hope you are doing well!
When we had our miscarriage, the hospital gave us a care package and inside are Forget-Me-Not flowers we intend to plant in the spring. My husband also bought me a little necklace with sentimental things on it including our angel baby’s (due date) birthstone and a little poem.
That’s a beautiful gesture the hospital did. We did not receive anything from our hospital:(
I love sentimental jewelry, that’s really sweet!
I had my second miscarriage on Saturday. I struggled to even get out of bed today. I’m glad I have read this . Thank you x
Oh, Dannielle, I am so sorry to hear that! Hugs to you!!❤️❤️
When I miscarried I went in search of everything I could find. I had to know if I did something wrong but it turns out, it’s actually very natural and happens very often. I found a video of a young girl (like 20 years old) who filmed her stillborn baby’s birth. Her whole family was there. They sang happy birthday to him. They all hugged and kissed him. Nobody was crying. The girl was actually talking to him too. She said “we never got to know you but you are my son and I love you so much! Happy birthday, Angel” after I watched that I was like “OMG, that’s what I have to do.” So I posthumously did the same thing and it helped me to let go of all the guilt I had and gave me an outlet to say what I was feeling out loud. I did name him/her Alex because it could be short for Alexander(ria). I have two healthy boys now and I started their names with A as a tribute to Alex.
Kimmie, the video you found sounds beautiful, and I’m glad it helped you through a difficult season of life. I love the A name tributes! What a beautiful idea! Thank you for sharing your story with me and with those who come across this.💛💛💛
Three days before my birthday (April 19,2020), I miscarried our eighth baby. Our last miscarriage was the week before Thanksgiving of 2019, and we had just found out the day before, we were having a healthy baby girl! I went into labor and miscarried her three days later. I hemorrhaged so bad at the hospital that while my husband was holding my hand, I started feeling chest pain and passed out. He said my whole face, even my lips turned ghostly white, so he ran and got the nurse. I almost died when my blood pressure dropped and they couldn’t revive me. Part of the baby was still stuck inside so my body was trying to get rid of her. After that tramatic loss, our whole family rallied around us and sent us little things to remember her, and all I could think of was trying for another one, but my husband was terrified, and still is. It’s been three weeks ago since we lost our last baby that I named “Sorrow” and when my in laws called to wish me a happy birthday, my husband told them we just lost another baby three days ago… I was not prepared for my mother in law to start yelling at my husband over the phone and lecturing him about how it’s his fault if I get pregnant and he needs to stand up to me and tell me “No more kids!” I’m so hurt about the comments that they both went on to say that im having a hard time dealing with the loss of this precious little baby. I saw this baby when it came out, so I have such a connection with this one and it makes it so hard but at the same time I’m thankful that I did get to hold it in my hands for just this once… I know the Lord has been so good to me, beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined, and He giveth and taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord… I remind myself of that verse so often when I feel overwhelmed with the grief, and I KNOW I will hold them again in heaven soon and that brings me comfort. I’ve been married 17 years and have six beautiful kids and was told I’d never have any at all! Words, especially now, can be something you never forget, so stay away from people with no filter on their moths, it’ll hurt less in the long run. Etsy has some of the most amazing jewelery for pregnancy loss and I love having a piece for each loss because each one is so different and was loved so much! My sister got me this picture for Christmas with two adult sparrows on a branch, and six little sparrows next to it, and seven sparrows flying away. At the bottom it said our family name and it said, Some flew to see Jesus first… I absolutely love it, so now I just have to find another Sparrow to add to the ones flying away to see Jesus… Thank you for taking the time to read and let me grieve on your page
Hi Jennifer. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like with those comments from your loved ones. I’m really happy I found this article and your comment. I had a missed abortion last Friday and even though I cried for two days straight, I’ve been since then keeping it in. No more tears have come, until now. I think I needed to cry more, and that’s why I’m so thankful for you to share your story. This was my first pregnancy but I’m so scared to ever try again, and with vivid-19, I really don’t know what my future is anymore. I love that you make the memories so precious, I’ve never thought I could do something like that. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. Sending virtual love and support.
/25yo Swedish girl
Awww… My heart breaks for you sweet girl. I woke up through the middle of the night praying for you that the Lord will help you through such a dark time in your life. Grieving for this precious baby will be so different than anything you’ve ever experienced before. One minute you’ll be perfectly fine and the next something will remind you that just a few days ago, you were pregnant, and just like that, you’ll burst back into tears. Allow them to flow when they come and don’t hold them back, even if you have to go somewhere by yourself and just let them flow until they stop. Talking about it is so important, because one of the hardest things for me, is the thought that this baby is gonna be forgotten by most people, but never by you. Name your baby, and figure out when you would’ve been due and do something special on that day and think of your precious little one. Make a Christmas ornament for this baby and put it up on your tree every year, if you celebrate Christmas or whatever you do around the holidays, make this baby a small part(not because your focusing on death part, but because you’re celebrating the fact that this baby was here and alive and will never be forgotten). I loved having jewelery with a memorial to my baby because when I left the house, I felt like part of the baby I with me everywhere, and will never be forgotten. If you like to write, get a special little book to write in and write down your feelings and thoughts when you first found out you were pregnant and then get a little box and put your memories you had during this time whether it’s the pregnancy test, some flowers you picked the day you miscarried or whatever memories you have to keep for this baby. One of the reasons my heart breaks for you is that you can’t imagine how wonderful it is to hold, love and be loved by one of the most wonderful gifts in this life that God gives, and that’s little babies… And it’s hard to imagine right now with everything you’re going through that this will ever happen, and I remember feeling those feelings too. I remember my sister told me that these feelings of grief will get easier over time, but for now, it’s hard to imagine life ever being the same again, and it won’t be. Because you lost a baby, and this baby was wanted and loved Beyond words and emotions. It comforts me to no that my baby is safe in the arms of my Lord right now, and that’s so much safer than anything down here, and I hope that brings you comfort in some small way. Take one day at a time, and please, please, please, stay away from people that you no will make hurtful comments. If possible, only tell those closest to you because if you can’t imagine the pain other people’s words will feel like they ripped out your heart, and you’ll never forget them. On the other hand, when you hear of a woman experiencing a miscarriage, speak kindness to her and love on her like you want to be loved on right now. I found a website that I got a bracelet from and it’s beautiful and Everytime I look down at my wrist, I think of my precious little baby, I hope this helps…it’s from Littlesparrowfootprints@gmail.com I’ll be praying for you sweet girl…
Jennifer,
I am so sorry to hear of all the grief you have had to endure, the loss of your 8th baby right before your birthday, and for such a difficult experience at the hospital.
But, I am so glad that you are still holding on to the promises of God, that he is still good despite our present circumstances!
The picture your sister in law got you sounds beautiful!! And a piece of jewelry for each baby, another beautiful reminder of the lives you carried!💛
Thank you for sharing your story with me and the other people who read this post!
Hugs to you, mama💛
-Ledy
I suffered a missed miscarriage at my 12 week scan. It was such a shock. I had to gave a managed miscarriage at hospital a few days later. This is all in the middle of Covid 19 and I live alone. This was an IVF pregnancy and as I’m 40 I’m scared of this happening again. I feel so alone and broken and scared for the future. I spoke to my counsellor yesterday who really helped and reassured me it wasn’t my fault, but I’ll always blame myself whatever anyone says. I was so happy and excited for this new life inside me and now it’s gone with all my hope for the future. My family are being fairly supportive but they didn’t agree with what I was doing in the first place so I think they are struggling to be supportive. They’re sad for my loss but warning me against trying again which exacerbates my sense of hopelessness. I. In such a dark lonely place right now. Reading your comments did make me feel less alone so thank you. I pray that my baby is in heaven. I had a blessing for him and it did bring me fine peace. But fur ne, left behind without him, it’s fill of despair.
Ann, I am so sorry to hear that. To have to go through a miscarriage is hard and painful and now going through it during this pandemic is just down right gut-wrenching.
Your feelings of being afraid of it happening again are totally valid! I think all women who have had a miscarriage feel this way too (I know I did)!
I’m glad you have a counselor you can speak to and that she helps! That’s important! I believe you will see your son again in heaven💙Sometimes family just don’t understand what we are going through, listen to your heart on what you should do❤️ I’ll be praying for you tonight, Ann!
-Ledy
I had a ring made up for my first one with the gender neutral name I choose, and I unfortunately just lost another baby this morning, so I will get another one made for this baby!
Hey Kaylaa,
That ring sounds very beautiful! I am so sorry to hear about another loss and just this morning😢 hugs to you!
My husband and I have one 12 yr old daughter, found out last week on Monday I was pregnant with my second child, we have been trying for over a year. This week on Tuesday I started bleeding and cramping and ultimately passed a clot, the doctor had me do blood tests Tuesday and my HCG plummeted, and had me test again Thursday, levels almost at zero. This has been so hard, though I was told I was only 6 weeks and 3 days, that baby already was already so loved. My heart hurts so bad, I never got to hold my baby or meet her, I feel in my heart the baby was a girl, and I’ve named her Sarah ( a band that her big sister adores). My little baby will forever hold my heart. I want to be ok. But, this is so hard.
Hi Felicia,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sarah is a beautiful name to remember her by. Did your 12 year old help pick out the name?
Thank you to everyone who shared their stories. I feel less alone. I am currently having my third miscarriage since July. I thought this one was different. I thought this was it. I have one child (9) and wanted another one ever since. The timing and the person wasn’t right. Now that everything is in place. Its not happening. I’ve been going through all the stages of emotion. Terrified for such a big change again. But happiness as well, of course. I’ve wanted this for so long. Yet, I’m happy with my life too. And then the pregnancies happened. And the miscarriages. Its devastating. Its a hard place to be in. I thought this was it this time…but here we are. Miscarriage #3. I cant even be sad, I’m just so numb at this point. And as supportive as my partner is, I just don’t think he gets it. Im the one who is going through the loss so much more. The pain, the bleeding. Yet, he was so happy. He had no worries, and no doubts like I did. Its hard when people tell you its not your fault. I feel like a failure as a woman. Like I’ve done something wrong in my life that this is my karma. I keep asking, if its not meant to be..then why am I getting pregnant in the first place? Why do I have to go through this over and over? I’m sorry to all of these women. I feel you. Im here with you. We will look forward with the crown securely on top of our heads for the strong women that we are. We are enough. We are not broken. We are perfectly, imperfect. Xo